hey everybody!
God, it's been like 6 months since I posted last. Sorry for the hiatus.
I realise that nobody probably reads this anymore, but idc. I just wanted someone to talk to about everything.
So, where to start? Well. here goes nothing.
My parents have been friends with this couple for years and years and years, since before I was born. They're basically my second family. Actually, they are. Their daughter is my best friend in the whole world, she's my sister. We're so close. So I spontaneously went to their house after work yesterday and ended up staying the night. My sister is working today but I'm not, so I finally dragged myself out of bed at the extremey late hour of 10:39 a.m. and sat in the lounge with my second mum. We had this talk, and it was this really great talk about how my parents are the biggest fools. We talked about how my mum has become this irritating, self absorbed angry narcissist who basically is epic failing at parenting etc. We talked about how my dad keeps going on that my mum keeps yapping at him about this that and fucking everything, when he needs to fucking GROW A PAIR and stop complaining about it. He's just as bad as she is. We talked about my mum's most recent relationship with this guy, Peter. So he is a widower, his two (YOUNG) kids lost their mum pretty recently I think. My second mum was saying that she had told my mum that she better be absolutely sure that this is going to work out, because otherwise she is going to fuck those kids up pretty badly. And she did. Beesie, the youngest one at seven, had started calling my mum 'mummy'. How sad is that. So now that mum and Peter have broken up, those kids have lost their mum twice. My mum did a better job parenting those two for a few months than she did in 15 years for me. She was always there for those kids when we were on holiday in England for five weeks, and that has shown to me that she doesn't put me first very often. I spent most of the holiday on my own, which I actually quite liked because it meant that I could see and do things as I liked and not spend the whole time acting as my mum's relationship counsellor. I could tell that she didn't like it though. She was always attempting to spend time with me on the holiday and I wasn't having a bar of it. I don't see the point because all she ever talks about is her. When we did talk, she was always bitching about how badly her relationship was going. Grr. So back to my dad then... my parents have been split up for about 12 or 13 years now but it's so complicated. My mum has been unable to find a stable partner and my dad I think has given up all hope. Whenever my mum has an issue with something (like she can't fix something, being a physical thing in the house or car or some kind of metaphorical thing that she needs to talk out), she'll ring up my dad. When she's single, she'll ring up my dad. Even when she's in a relationship, she'll ring up my dad first. And my dad lets her do this. The other day she was on the phone to him for almost two hours telling him about all of her relationship problems. And he lets her do this. And then he complains about it. The other day he came over because my mum had forgotten and lost the recipe for something. Instead of just emailing her the recipe like a normal divorcee, he came over and helped her cook. AND he ended up staying for dinner after that. Like, what the fuck? And then he goes on and on about how annoying she is. My second mum, she was also saying about how I join in when my dad bitches about my mum. She was saying how she thinks my dad has raised me to be on his side. Which he has kind of, I mean if before christmas you asked me which house I'd live in if I could only live with one parent for the rest of forever, I would always say my dad because I always thought that he was the better parent. Now, I would say my dad but only because it's way closer to school. I don't even know if I could pick. My second mum says that if I ever need to get out for a while and escape my parents' toxic destructive cycle of bitterness, I'm always welcome at their house. That offer grows more and more tempting by the day. I don't know how much more of their bullshit I can deal with. I'm looking forward to the end of high school because it means leaving home and moving cities, maybe going on a gap year with my sister. It means getting the hell away from my parents. I know that they love me and that they are trying to be good parents, but they need to sort their relationship out because my second parents are actually being better parents right now.
Yeah. So that's one part of what's going on.
I got asked out by one of my friend Katie's boyfriend Austin's friends on Friday. I was kinda excited at first when I found out that he liked me, because nobody has ever liked me before. But when I said yes it felt all wrong. I thought I was just nervous about having my first boyfriend and that it would wear off but that wasn't so. All weekend, whenever I thought about him being my boyfriend, or about me having a boyfriend, I felt... repulsed. I did, honestly. When we were out today and we were walking down the street together holding hands it just felt so wrong and I hated it. So I dumped him. And it felt excellent. I walked back inside the house with one of the biggest smiles I'd worn in a long time, and it made me feel great but I also felt a bit guilty for dumping him. He went over to Austin's house and Katie rang me asking what the fuck was going on in my brain. I found that quite funny actually, that Katie, the mad crazy hilarious one, was questioning my sanity. That was a bit twisted. But I explained to Katie what was going on and she was glad that I was happy being single 'because not many people can do that.' But I did. I left her and Austin to pick up the pieces though, and I am quite sorry about that. But someone has to, and it sure as fuck won't be me. He might get all depressed now and start self-harming again. But I can't try and sort him out while I'm trying to sort me out. I still go to counselling and I'm getting put on medication and I'm really only just barely coping with that fact. I can't deal with all of this, plus trying not to self-harm (I'm 7 or 8 months clean now, yay), plus trying not to run away from home and then a boyfriend on top of that. It's too much for me to handle. But I know that I've done the right thing because I feel good about it.
Yeah. Wow, typing all that out has really helped. Maybe I should start blogging again.
That's all for now anyway.
TTFN! Fuzz x
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